I search for you
I suddenly realized it has been a while since my last posts appeared on my website and it makes me feel sorry for my phenomenal brain. “I need to embrace you more often again”, I said it to myself. It was when I’m laying down on my bed, bored and had nothing better to do, except scrolling down on ‘random-instagram-feeds’. At some moment, my finger stretch out, seeking someone warmth and of course, the other side of the bed is always cold. Sometimes, it got me irritated and facing the truth how glommy i could be.
People, have you ever felt that the only thing that matters in your life is getting touch by someone you mostly dear? Maybe, He or She will appear in the future. But what if it won’t?. Or have you ever felt that the world continuously disappointed you in many ways, they always turn back on you, rejected you, and left you behind of nothingness. Finally, after a long time waiting for happiness you realized there is nothing to do anymore. Sometimes, you will see a huge rock or a knive and at this very moment your heart rushing to grab and stab it to your own body.
Again, again, again and again.
And in the very end there was just one left, yes one : darkness.
Anyway, I already finished with a book titled Brush Up Your Mythology! By Michael Macrone, a gift from my bestfriend and currently reading Kerumunan Terakhir by Okky Madasari. It really takes a long time to reading all the books that I’ve had since a month ago. Oh gosh, I remembered still have a plenty of books I need to working on with, such as Lelaki Harimau by Eka Kurniawan ; BH by Emha Ainun Nadjib ; Cerita dari Digul by Pramoedya Ananta Toer and Seekor Bebek yang Mati di Pinggir Kali by Puthut EA. All of those books done nothing wrong, but im not in mood lately or pretend not to?. I want to see the sun. I want to see real live. I starched my chin and feeling increasingly unhappy to see about how my growing up world now.
It is said that The Wolf is full with disgust
And The Lamb showed kindness
Is like the opposite
But The Wolf and The Lamb will feed together
Serving The Right Man
And in the dark
You will see dust around a three of them
And Mother of Nyx has prepared for those who betrayed Her
“Why do words often confuse meaning?”, I’m talking with my macbook and still don’t find any ideas or clues what should I must writing about. The clock on the wall in my room showed two in the morning. Slowly, I inhaled, deeply, and imagining this tribe of Bara – my another personality who I created a many long times ago. But he never appeared again maybe after I published his stories, he gets mad at me. All I did was for the best of him, too keep him away from his insanity.
I could not to think of anything except to tell you the truth. I was disappointing something which you should understand at this moment. My frustration that disturbed me most; something happened in this world just few back months ago even until now, something you would afraid to face: your ignorance and inconsistency to perceiving the world.
An Act of Hate
It was in the early morning a hours of June 12th at Pulse nightclub in Orlando when a gunman killed 49 people and wounded 53 based on information provided by many online news websites. I broke down in tears when reading the news. I couldn’t hold it – the anger was consumed me. The worst part is you will find that many people (more than 60%) gave emoticon ‘LOVE’ for this horrified tragedy on one of online news website in my country. For the sake of humanity: is it true there is no kindness in this world anymore?.
People called it sin in the eyes of God
But, I called it love in the eyes of Eros
One month later we heared news about suicide bombing near one of Islam’s holiest sites in the Saudi City of Medina. The blast appeared to target a Shia mosque according by BBC News and it has killed four security officers and injured five people. Many people in my country are angry and felt threathen because this madness tragedy happened just a few days before Ramadhan. You can witnesses on social media they are murmuring not ‘actually’ or ‘literally’ about the victim but how media not covers the story with respectful. They compared this tragedy with Paris Attack on the night of 13th November 2015 that left 130 people dead and hundreds wounded. It’s all because the hastags, maybe?. I don’t know. People said a lot of things nowdays. Either it is the truth or lies. Again, my heart was broken.
The Gaia falls with tears
There is no mercy again
A Mother of Nyx finally opened her Pandora’s Box
And for the latest tragedy is a black man fatally shot by US Police officer. I never once in my life would have though that citizen would be killed by the person that were supposed to protect and serve them. Finally, the protest against the killing of black man in Lousiana and Minnesota happened in Dallas, Texas but during the event, an accident happened and made twelve police officers were shot and five of those officers have died.
I just felt a lof of worthless and darkness…..
Two hours had passed. And still the writing was going on. I was surprised to see how his aesthetics subconscious could released of those poetry words. I was almost dead from boredom because some time he always just lying on bed or imagined something dirty. I observed he was never talk to much again and obsessed with only one RPG games which I don’t recalled.
I first met him in 1993. He saw through my eyes with enthusiastically entering the world of human. He was a fresh young baby. He always interested with books since child and today, as a grown up man he still used to bring a books anywhere.
He has his own world,
And I’m the only managed to touch it.
But I need to keep distance from him. I know he felt lonely and afraid. Sometimes, he wondered if it is because his fault cause released my stories to the world that I tried so hard to hidden in for several years ago made me didn’t want to meet with him anymore. I truly could not touch his world because is forbidden now. And of course, at some very moments, I couldn’t endure the pain of losing him bit by bit. In odd moments, when he stretch out, seeking someone warmth in his bed I want to touch his finger and say hello to him so badly. But here I’m sitting on the very bottom of his conscious.
I know he has been struggling now. He always thinking too much whom nobody cares. His room felt like chaos waiting for rampaged through the walls he created with hard work. And that chaos held darkness.
The Lion needs to be alone because he will become a king for the entire forest someday. The night wind hisses. Whispering words full of revenge. One day, i will left a notes on his desk while The Lion was sleeping.
stick with humanity cause all live matters